6 Guidelines For Effective Public Speaking
Public speaking is something we cannot avoid in our life. The situation will arise when we are called upon to stand up and speak our minds out. When that situation comes are we ready deliver?
Public speaking is one of the most feared activities in a person's lifetime. Anxiety and stress will usually attack once you get off your seat and start to speak. Sadly, this fear is the cause of lost promotions, low self esteem, miscommunications and similar situations. But why do some people excel on it? They make it look so easy - I guess through practice one can improve his public speaking skills but in the mean time here are 6 guidelines and questions that you will make your life easier when speaking in public.
Who?
Who are you talking to? Know your audience, their background, values and common interests that may help you in your presentation. If you are speaking to a group of accountants then it will help if you focus your speech on data and statistics, or if you are speaking to a group of teenagers, you should know the latest fashion or in-thing so you can establish rapport and make your speech lighter and simpler.
Knowing your listeners is imperative to a successful speech. It will also help you relax if you know the people who are going to listen to your presentation.
Where?
Knowing the venue and being there early is half the battle. Try to get a feel of the place. Stand on the stage or where ever you are suppose to deliver your speech. Try to visualize your audience listening to your speech.
Check the sound system and the availability of audio-visual aids if you need to use some. Being at the venue early will give you some time to prepare and compose yourself. You can also afford time for a last minute tweaking of your speech.
What?
What do you want to say? What is the speech for? If you are speaking to educate and inform your audience, make sure that you have accurate and updated facts in your presentation. It is not enough that you have prepared and have memorized your speech; you should also know what you are talking about and have made a thorough research about it.
How?
How can you deliver your message across? A sound language skill is not enough to ensure success as a public speaker. Choose your words carefully and be sure to enunciate them. Poor articulation and pronunciation weighs much in evaluating your presentation.
Visual aids are helpful to get your message across. You may use handouts or technical presentations to support your points. But the best visual aids are your facial expressions, hand gestures and body language. When practicing your speech, try to do it in front of a mirror to see how you look
Make sure that you have a solid opening, a good transition and a memorable conclusion.
When?
When is the best time to speak and stop? In communication, words are not the sole means of conveying a message. Your pause and stops also play an important role in delivering your point across.
Know when to start speaking and when to stop. Be aware of how long your speech is and tailor it to suit your audience. If you are speaking to a groups of seventh graders, then chances are their attentions span is shorter than that of a twenty something university student.
Why?
Why should they listen to you? Why were you chosen to speak in public? Determine the reasons why you were picked to deliver a speech. It may be because of your educational background, your work experience or your status in the community. What ever it is, they want something from you. Identify the reason and prepare your speech to answer the audience expectations.
Speaking in public need not be a painful experience that you would rather forget and bury in the past. Just answer these basic questions and you have are half way there. There is no substitute for preparation so make sure that you have plenty of time to do this. Knowing what you want to say and saying it right is the perfect equation. One more thing, remember to relax and enjoy the experience.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Power Of Acting As If
The Power Of Acting As If
Imagine this. You've been called on to give a presentation in front of your peers. You're well prepared for the presentation. And now, sitting in the auditorium, you suddenly are overcome with virtually uncontrollable anxiety.
'Why would these people want to hear me?' you ask yourself. 'What can I offer them?'
The Master of Ceremonies (MC) calls your name. You begin the endless, long, slow walk to the front of the room. With every step your heartbeat pounds faster. Palms are sweaty. Forehead perspires. Your knees shake.
Your breathing gets shallow. You check for the fiftieth time to make sure your presentation is still tucked away in your pocket. Every stair to the podium is like climbing Mount Everest. From the top stair you glance back and smile at everyone in the room.
The two hundred people in the room look like two million people. Can they see your nerves? You look at the walk you have to make to the podium: it looks like ten miles.
This is a critical moment for you. Of course you're not going to turn and run out of the room but if feels like literally every fiber in your being is keeping you from advancing.
But from the second that you step on the stage until the moment you've finished your speech and are stepping off the stage, you should do one thing:
Act 'as if'.
Act as if you are fearless.
Act as if you know exactly what you are doing.
Act as if you are the most successful person in the room.
Act as if you have spoken to larger crowds many times before.
Act as if you did not bother to prepare notes because your excellent message comes straight from your heart.
Act as if you are the CEO of the company.
When you act as if it means that you step across that stage and up to the microphone as if you own the world. When selling to a large crowd, acting as if means you walk to the microphone with the self-assurance that each person in the room has already bought from you.
Acting as if simply means living with the confidence that what you want in life and what you want to tell the crowd has already been achieved in your own life. It means that you don't have to be perfect. It means that you can model someone you think is extraordinary and act as if like they would in that situation.
Finally, the power of acting as if allows you to imagine yourself as greater than you feel you are. Most times we are too hard on ourselves. Acting as if can bring us much closer to how we'd like to be perceived by others. It's like trying on a colorful suit you might not normally wear and discovering, after taking the leap to buy it, that you look absolutely fabulous in it!
Imagine this. You've been called on to give a presentation in front of your peers. You're well prepared for the presentation. And now, sitting in the auditorium, you suddenly are overcome with virtually uncontrollable anxiety.
'Why would these people want to hear me?' you ask yourself. 'What can I offer them?'
The Master of Ceremonies (MC) calls your name. You begin the endless, long, slow walk to the front of the room. With every step your heartbeat pounds faster. Palms are sweaty. Forehead perspires. Your knees shake.
Your breathing gets shallow. You check for the fiftieth time to make sure your presentation is still tucked away in your pocket. Every stair to the podium is like climbing Mount Everest. From the top stair you glance back and smile at everyone in the room.
The two hundred people in the room look like two million people. Can they see your nerves? You look at the walk you have to make to the podium: it looks like ten miles.
This is a critical moment for you. Of course you're not going to turn and run out of the room but if feels like literally every fiber in your being is keeping you from advancing.
But from the second that you step on the stage until the moment you've finished your speech and are stepping off the stage, you should do one thing:
Act 'as if'.
Act as if you are fearless.
Act as if you know exactly what you are doing.
Act as if you are the most successful person in the room.
Act as if you have spoken to larger crowds many times before.
Act as if you did not bother to prepare notes because your excellent message comes straight from your heart.
Act as if you are the CEO of the company.
When you act as if it means that you step across that stage and up to the microphone as if you own the world. When selling to a large crowd, acting as if means you walk to the microphone with the self-assurance that each person in the room has already bought from you.
Acting as if simply means living with the confidence that what you want in life and what you want to tell the crowd has already been achieved in your own life. It means that you don't have to be perfect. It means that you can model someone you think is extraordinary and act as if like they would in that situation.
Finally, the power of acting as if allows you to imagine yourself as greater than you feel you are. Most times we are too hard on ourselves. Acting as if can bring us much closer to how we'd like to be perceived by others. It's like trying on a colorful suit you might not normally wear and discovering, after taking the leap to buy it, that you look absolutely fabulous in it!
Efficient Public Speaker
You Can Learn to Become an Efficient Public Speaker
The fear of public speaking is very real for a lot of people. It actually ranks so high on the list that it has been shown that the fear of death actually takes a back seat to it.
At some point in your life, you have probably had the occasion to speak to a large audience. Of course large is relative. To some, it can be any number larger than zero, where others dont start to get uncomfortable until the number reaches over a hundred.
If you are among the number of people who would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy, you now the anxiety, along with the sweaty palms, unsteady speech and the fear of blacking out that come with public speaking. Perhaps the worst part is waiting for your turn to speak, whether you are introduced or have to get every body attention yourself. That is the moment of truth.
Perhaps the reason for the fear is that you dont simply think everyone is looking at you; you know everyone is looking at you and judging what you are saying.
So, you take a deep breath and begin to muddle your way to the speech. At the end there is a sigh of relieve as you try to figure out if you had even holding your breath the whole time.
If this sounds familiar to you, it may help to know that even very confident people still get stage fright from time to time. Even when they have delivered the same speech hundreds of times- think motivational speakers. From time to time, we can all loose our confidence.
If you are looking to be able to deliver an address so that the audience thinks you have everything together, here are a few things to keep in mind before your next speaking engagement.
First, preparation is the key to your success. Make an outline of your speech, being sure to bold the points you want to be sure you hit.
Practice your speech to you friends, family, the dog, whoever will listen. If they have questions try to answer them in the speech. If they offer helpful suggestions, on word usage or flow, take them.
When D-Day comes, make sure you get to the venue as early as possible to feel it out. Is it a large auditorium or a relatively small meeting room? You dont want to think you are speaking to a room that holds 50 only to find out you have enough room in the hall for 150.
Dress in comfortable clothes that look nice. This will boost your confidence and make your feel more at ease.
Dont let the audience think that you are not one hundred percent confident and knowledgeable about your topic. After all, they are there to get information from you. If they knew more about the issue at hand, they would be there.
Remember, you have earned the right to speak. Some body somewhere decided you were the best person to present this idea, whatever it may be, to the masses.
And breathe!
The fear of public speaking is very real for a lot of people. It actually ranks so high on the list that it has been shown that the fear of death actually takes a back seat to it.
At some point in your life, you have probably had the occasion to speak to a large audience. Of course large is relative. To some, it can be any number larger than zero, where others dont start to get uncomfortable until the number reaches over a hundred.
If you are among the number of people who would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy, you now the anxiety, along with the sweaty palms, unsteady speech and the fear of blacking out that come with public speaking. Perhaps the worst part is waiting for your turn to speak, whether you are introduced or have to get every body attention yourself. That is the moment of truth.
Perhaps the reason for the fear is that you dont simply think everyone is looking at you; you know everyone is looking at you and judging what you are saying.
So, you take a deep breath and begin to muddle your way to the speech. At the end there is a sigh of relieve as you try to figure out if you had even holding your breath the whole time.
If this sounds familiar to you, it may help to know that even very confident people still get stage fright from time to time. Even when they have delivered the same speech hundreds of times- think motivational speakers. From time to time, we can all loose our confidence.
If you are looking to be able to deliver an address so that the audience thinks you have everything together, here are a few things to keep in mind before your next speaking engagement.
First, preparation is the key to your success. Make an outline of your speech, being sure to bold the points you want to be sure you hit.
Practice your speech to you friends, family, the dog, whoever will listen. If they have questions try to answer them in the speech. If they offer helpful suggestions, on word usage or flow, take them.
When D-Day comes, make sure you get to the venue as early as possible to feel it out. Is it a large auditorium or a relatively small meeting room? You dont want to think you are speaking to a room that holds 50 only to find out you have enough room in the hall for 150.
Dress in comfortable clothes that look nice. This will boost your confidence and make your feel more at ease.
Dont let the audience think that you are not one hundred percent confident and knowledgeable about your topic. After all, they are there to get information from you. If they knew more about the issue at hand, they would be there.
Remember, you have earned the right to speak. Some body somewhere decided you were the best person to present this idea, whatever it may be, to the masses.
And breathe!
The Tradition of the Gold Engagement Ring
The Tradition of the Gold Engagement Ring
While an engagement ring is worn alone for a time, it is meant to join a wedding ring one day.
The traditional wedding ring is gold, which, by default makes the gold engagement ring a tradition. Some Marriage traditions go back to prehistory. The first brides were stolen by their future husbands and carried off to neighboring villages where they were treated as the property of the men who took them. Eventually, life in ravaging hordes was replaced by life in farming communities and a man's property included cattle and other animals.
When the time came to include a wife in the household, her acquisition was the same as for any other living property - the man traded for her. Usually this meant offering cows or goats for the daughter of another farmer. In some cultures, the deal was not finalized until the actual swap of "possessions" in case a better deal is offered. As the promise of a deal became more trustworthy, a token was given to seal the deal. Eventually, that token became the engagement ring. In ancient Egypt, married women only wore a pair of gold bracelets as jewelry. This became smaller and worn on a finger instead of a wrist.
The ancient Greeks wore the gold wedding band on the index finger, while Indians preferred the thumb. The Romans believed that a vein ran from the ring finger of the left hand directly to the heart. This finger was thought to have great power and became the home for the wedding band. At times, the wedding ring became the gold engagement ring. In some centuries, the ring was first worn on the left hand then switched to the right hand for the wedding. Later, that was reversed with the gold engagement ring worn on the right hand and moved to the left hand at the wedding service.
The Irish Claddagh ring shows two hands surrounding a heart topped by a crown. The symbols represent friendship, love and eternity bringing the marriage relationship into modern times. This ring demonstrated respect for the intended bride instead of ownership. The ring began being worn in the 16th century when it was worn as the gold engagement ring, turning the heart toward the body during the wedding. The Gimmal, named for the Latin word for "joining," was made of three bands that fit together. As a gold engagement ring, the bands were separated. Each of the couple wore one band while the intended wedding witness wore the third. At the ceremony, the bands were united and worn by the wife. The gold engagement ring symbolizes purity, eternity and cherished treasure. That's the best gold engagement ring tradition of all.
While an engagement ring is worn alone for a time, it is meant to join a wedding ring one day.
The traditional wedding ring is gold, which, by default makes the gold engagement ring a tradition. Some Marriage traditions go back to prehistory. The first brides were stolen by their future husbands and carried off to neighboring villages where they were treated as the property of the men who took them. Eventually, life in ravaging hordes was replaced by life in farming communities and a man's property included cattle and other animals.
When the time came to include a wife in the household, her acquisition was the same as for any other living property - the man traded for her. Usually this meant offering cows or goats for the daughter of another farmer. In some cultures, the deal was not finalized until the actual swap of "possessions" in case a better deal is offered. As the promise of a deal became more trustworthy, a token was given to seal the deal. Eventually, that token became the engagement ring. In ancient Egypt, married women only wore a pair of gold bracelets as jewelry. This became smaller and worn on a finger instead of a wrist.
The ancient Greeks wore the gold wedding band on the index finger, while Indians preferred the thumb. The Romans believed that a vein ran from the ring finger of the left hand directly to the heart. This finger was thought to have great power and became the home for the wedding band. At times, the wedding ring became the gold engagement ring. In some centuries, the ring was first worn on the left hand then switched to the right hand for the wedding. Later, that was reversed with the gold engagement ring worn on the right hand and moved to the left hand at the wedding service.
The Irish Claddagh ring shows two hands surrounding a heart topped by a crown. The symbols represent friendship, love and eternity bringing the marriage relationship into modern times. This ring demonstrated respect for the intended bride instead of ownership. The ring began being worn in the 16th century when it was worn as the gold engagement ring, turning the heart toward the body during the wedding. The Gimmal, named for the Latin word for "joining," was made of three bands that fit together. As a gold engagement ring, the bands were separated. Each of the couple wore one band while the intended wedding witness wore the third. At the ceremony, the bands were united and worn by the wife. The gold engagement ring symbolizes purity, eternity and cherished treasure. That's the best gold engagement ring tradition of all.
Relationships
Using Clubs and Groups to Form Relationships
Most everyone belongs to some kind of a club or group. Perhaps it is a civic group, or a service club, or a church group, or even a family group. How often have you attended a meeting of your group, and not spent any time getting to know the people in the group? Too often groups are only concerned with agendas, reports, useless chitchat and weather reports, or getting business done. Life is too short to miss the opportunities to get to know people better and foster meaningful relationships.
People love to talk about themselves, their interests, their families and their life experiences. And, if you listen carefully, you can learn a lot about them as they share these things. The problem is that unless they are asked, they probably won't tell. Then there is the additional issue of limited time in most club or group meetings. Good news... it can be done, if done briefly and regularly.
One president of a Kiwanis club (a community service club) uses a very effective exercise in the beginning of the clubs meeting. To officially start the meeting, the members are asked to all stand, do the pledge to the flag, have a brief prayer (some clubs follow with a song), then sit down and proceed with the meeting. But, before letting the members sit down, this leader had them ask one or two people a specific question, or had them tell someone a certain something about themselves. And, low and behold, the members started learning things about one another... and relationships started developing.
So, here are some suggestions for the types of directives and questions to use.
Things related to certain times and seasons:
What was your most memorable Christmas?
What was your most embarrassing birthday surprise?
What is your favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Where were you on 9/11?
Tell someone your favorite summer vacation.
Tell someone about the hottest day you remember - where you were and the temperature.
Tell some one your favorite time of year, and why.
Things related to people and places:
What is your favorite color, and why?
What is your favorite food?
Who are you most like... your mom or dad?
Where did you meet your spouse?
Who is your "hero" and why?
If you could be someone from the past, who and why?
Tell the funniest statement you've heard from a child (maybe it was you).
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
If you could fix or change one thing in the world today, what would it be?
Tell someone your middle name, and why it was given to you.
Tell the funniest joke (keep it clean) you can think of.
Using these to get you thinking, and a little creativity, you can come up with many more. Think about the things you would like to know about those with whom you associate. Think about what you would like to tell others, if they would only listen... then start asking and telling.
Most everyone belongs to some kind of a club or group. Perhaps it is a civic group, or a service club, or a church group, or even a family group. How often have you attended a meeting of your group, and not spent any time getting to know the people in the group? Too often groups are only concerned with agendas, reports, useless chitchat and weather reports, or getting business done. Life is too short to miss the opportunities to get to know people better and foster meaningful relationships.
People love to talk about themselves, their interests, their families and their life experiences. And, if you listen carefully, you can learn a lot about them as they share these things. The problem is that unless they are asked, they probably won't tell. Then there is the additional issue of limited time in most club or group meetings. Good news... it can be done, if done briefly and regularly.
One president of a Kiwanis club (a community service club) uses a very effective exercise in the beginning of the clubs meeting. To officially start the meeting, the members are asked to all stand, do the pledge to the flag, have a brief prayer (some clubs follow with a song), then sit down and proceed with the meeting. But, before letting the members sit down, this leader had them ask one or two people a specific question, or had them tell someone a certain something about themselves. And, low and behold, the members started learning things about one another... and relationships started developing.
So, here are some suggestions for the types of directives and questions to use.
Things related to certain times and seasons:
What was your most memorable Christmas?
What was your most embarrassing birthday surprise?
What is your favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Where were you on 9/11?
Tell someone your favorite summer vacation.
Tell someone about the hottest day you remember - where you were and the temperature.
Tell some one your favorite time of year, and why.
Things related to people and places:
What is your favorite color, and why?
What is your favorite food?
Who are you most like... your mom or dad?
Where did you meet your spouse?
Who is your "hero" and why?
If you could be someone from the past, who and why?
Tell the funniest statement you've heard from a child (maybe it was you).
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
If you could fix or change one thing in the world today, what would it be?
Tell someone your middle name, and why it was given to you.
Tell the funniest joke (keep it clean) you can think of.
Using these to get you thinking, and a little creativity, you can come up with many more. Think about the things you would like to know about those with whom you associate. Think about what you would like to tell others, if they would only listen... then start asking and telling.
Romantic Lives
A Creative Romantic Lives In You Too!
Why is it that so many people believe that they dont have time or take the initiative to be romantic?
Maybe most people dont believe that they are creative enough to be romantic.
Everyone is creative!
The definition of being creative is having the ability or power to create. The word create offers a much broader definition than most people accept when it comes to the process of being able to come up with something original or simply well thought out.
Gifts that are considered to be traditionally romantic like candy and flowers are wonderful, but sometimes you need something that goes one step further.
If your spouse enjoys flowers, you dont have to settle for roses because they can sometimes become unexciting after a while! Present him or her with something completely original such as a daisy or another flower where petals can be counted. Ask him or her to play the childhood game of they love me, they love me not and watch them pluck the petals as they go. However, dont allow for the possibility of him or her arriving at the they love me not. Count the petals before you present the flower to your spouse and trim it so that there is an odd number of petals for the right outcome!
Arts and crafts used to be a fun break from the monotony of the school day, but believe it or not, it will come in handy when it comes to creative romantic gestures.
Instead of promising that you will love him or her forever, show them. Take a piece of paper, ribbon or other material you choose and write I love you on both sides from end to end. Twist the paper 180 degrees and connect both ends of the paper until you have mad what looks like the figure eight. Tape or glue to ends together. You can present your love with a symbol that shows them your love for them is an endless love.
Creativity comes in many different forms! Being creative can mean creating an atmosphere. If you want to plan the ultimate romantic evening but funds are low or you simply dont want to have to leave the house, shut down the electricity and imitate a power outage (its up to you whether or not you tell him or her!). You wont have any distractions or heat, so it is up to both of you to keep the other warm and entertain each other.
Maybe romance is on your mind, but he or she is going out of town. Did you know that people on airplanes are typically hopeless romantics? Any flight attendant would be more than happy to make sure that your spouse receives a special present after the flight has left the ground. Simply approach a crewmember after he or she boards the plane and they are usually more than happy to oblige a hopeless romantic like you! (You might want to make sure that the gift is unwrapped or keep it to a single rose due to heightened security.)
Creativity doesnt have to come in the form of gifts every single time.
Gestures like getting up and dancing with your spouse when a special song comes on the radio is quite creative and incredibly romantic! Whenever the mood strikes you, allow your creative juices to flow!
Why is it that so many people believe that they dont have time or take the initiative to be romantic?
Maybe most people dont believe that they are creative enough to be romantic.
Everyone is creative!
The definition of being creative is having the ability or power to create. The word create offers a much broader definition than most people accept when it comes to the process of being able to come up with something original or simply well thought out.
Gifts that are considered to be traditionally romantic like candy and flowers are wonderful, but sometimes you need something that goes one step further.
If your spouse enjoys flowers, you dont have to settle for roses because they can sometimes become unexciting after a while! Present him or her with something completely original such as a daisy or another flower where petals can be counted. Ask him or her to play the childhood game of they love me, they love me not and watch them pluck the petals as they go. However, dont allow for the possibility of him or her arriving at the they love me not. Count the petals before you present the flower to your spouse and trim it so that there is an odd number of petals for the right outcome!
Arts and crafts used to be a fun break from the monotony of the school day, but believe it or not, it will come in handy when it comes to creative romantic gestures.
Instead of promising that you will love him or her forever, show them. Take a piece of paper, ribbon or other material you choose and write I love you on both sides from end to end. Twist the paper 180 degrees and connect both ends of the paper until you have mad what looks like the figure eight. Tape or glue to ends together. You can present your love with a symbol that shows them your love for them is an endless love.
Creativity comes in many different forms! Being creative can mean creating an atmosphere. If you want to plan the ultimate romantic evening but funds are low or you simply dont want to have to leave the house, shut down the electricity and imitate a power outage (its up to you whether or not you tell him or her!). You wont have any distractions or heat, so it is up to both of you to keep the other warm and entertain each other.
Maybe romance is on your mind, but he or she is going out of town. Did you know that people on airplanes are typically hopeless romantics? Any flight attendant would be more than happy to make sure that your spouse receives a special present after the flight has left the ground. Simply approach a crewmember after he or she boards the plane and they are usually more than happy to oblige a hopeless romantic like you! (You might want to make sure that the gift is unwrapped or keep it to a single rose due to heightened security.)
Creativity doesnt have to come in the form of gifts every single time.
Gestures like getting up and dancing with your spouse when a special song comes on the radio is quite creative and incredibly romantic! Whenever the mood strikes you, allow your creative juices to flow!
Getting Over Someone
Getting Over Someone
Basic question here: how can I tell when I'm over someone and ready to be with someone else?
- C.G., Boston, MA
That is a basic question, but not a simple one. I'm not sure I can even answer it.
Sometimes hearing someone else's experiences put things in perspective. Here is a situation concerning a person I dated, how I personally view it, and how I make it work for me. Maybe this example will help clear things up a little bit for you too.
In my life, I've seen a lot of relationships and been envious of very few. I see a lot of phoniness, relationships of convenience, and people together for all the wrong reasons.
But I knew that my relationship with her was something incredibly, incredibly special. I'd never felt anything like that; it was something totally different than all the rest I'd ever been in. It was comparing apples to oranges, as the saying goes.
In every way, I found her to be the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen. We showed each other our best and our worst and remained together because we believed in each other as individuals and believed in us as a couple.
It's interesting to think of all the things we are taught and all we are not. People are taught a million things growing up: how to read, how to use a stove without burning their hands, how to fold a towel, how to drive, and so on.
But we're never taught some of the things that are imperative in relationships; we're somehow expected to learn them as we go and by trial and error. I, like many others, never learned how to trust someone to give them all of my feelings, so I'd always held something back, which isn't fair.
I also never learned how to forgive someone that I loved when they hurt me. And I certainly never learned what to do when you find someone who is perfect for you. It sounds like such a great thing, but it can be one of the most overwhelming feelings you ever experience because you want it to work out more than you want anything else in your life.
And sometimes, by the time you start to realize these things, it's too late to make everything right.
Making her cry was the worst thing I've ever done and just thinking about it hurts me more than anything I've ever lost, never achieved, failed at, or I could really explain here.
And now she's gone. We had talked about "forever" but this isn't the kind of "forever" I thought we meant.
Who we were at the time we made our memories, we'll always be - that man will always love that woman and that woman will always love him just as much. I still miss so many things about her, namely counting on - and believing in - us.
I still think about her every day and wonder, wonder, and wonder. I made her an enormous part of my life and now that she's gone, that life as I knew it is too.
The pain is normal. But don't think that because you feel pain you can't move on. What happened between the two of you obviously affected you, so the hurting is expected. Truthfully, and unfortunately, it may be felt for a long, long time.
If you think about it, you probably still don't feel great about the moment you found out you didn't get that job you really wanted or a pet that died when you were a kid. You may never feel perfectly fine about this situation either.
What I realized, and what you must too, is that you have to move on. They have. They have their own life going, and whether it's them being alone or them being with someone else - it's still them being without you.
There is no other option; you can't stay closed off and emotionally unavailable forever in hopes they will change their mind about you or that it will work out somehow. Knowing when to let go and move forward it is the hard part.
You don't want to do it when you're emotionally unavailable, angry at life, or will be anything but the best person you can be to whomever it is you end up with next. I don't know if you're there. Maybe you don't even know if you're there.
There's only one way to find out, though.
Basic question here: how can I tell when I'm over someone and ready to be with someone else?
- C.G., Boston, MA
That is a basic question, but not a simple one. I'm not sure I can even answer it.
Sometimes hearing someone else's experiences put things in perspective. Here is a situation concerning a person I dated, how I personally view it, and how I make it work for me. Maybe this example will help clear things up a little bit for you too.
In my life, I've seen a lot of relationships and been envious of very few. I see a lot of phoniness, relationships of convenience, and people together for all the wrong reasons.
But I knew that my relationship with her was something incredibly, incredibly special. I'd never felt anything like that; it was something totally different than all the rest I'd ever been in. It was comparing apples to oranges, as the saying goes.
In every way, I found her to be the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen. We showed each other our best and our worst and remained together because we believed in each other as individuals and believed in us as a couple.
It's interesting to think of all the things we are taught and all we are not. People are taught a million things growing up: how to read, how to use a stove without burning their hands, how to fold a towel, how to drive, and so on.
But we're never taught some of the things that are imperative in relationships; we're somehow expected to learn them as we go and by trial and error. I, like many others, never learned how to trust someone to give them all of my feelings, so I'd always held something back, which isn't fair.
I also never learned how to forgive someone that I loved when they hurt me. And I certainly never learned what to do when you find someone who is perfect for you. It sounds like such a great thing, but it can be one of the most overwhelming feelings you ever experience because you want it to work out more than you want anything else in your life.
And sometimes, by the time you start to realize these things, it's too late to make everything right.
Making her cry was the worst thing I've ever done and just thinking about it hurts me more than anything I've ever lost, never achieved, failed at, or I could really explain here.
And now she's gone. We had talked about "forever" but this isn't the kind of "forever" I thought we meant.
Who we were at the time we made our memories, we'll always be - that man will always love that woman and that woman will always love him just as much. I still miss so many things about her, namely counting on - and believing in - us.
I still think about her every day and wonder, wonder, and wonder. I made her an enormous part of my life and now that she's gone, that life as I knew it is too.
The pain is normal. But don't think that because you feel pain you can't move on. What happened between the two of you obviously affected you, so the hurting is expected. Truthfully, and unfortunately, it may be felt for a long, long time.
If you think about it, you probably still don't feel great about the moment you found out you didn't get that job you really wanted or a pet that died when you were a kid. You may never feel perfectly fine about this situation either.
What I realized, and what you must too, is that you have to move on. They have. They have their own life going, and whether it's them being alone or them being with someone else - it's still them being without you.
There is no other option; you can't stay closed off and emotionally unavailable forever in hopes they will change their mind about you or that it will work out somehow. Knowing when to let go and move forward it is the hard part.
You don't want to do it when you're emotionally unavailable, angry at life, or will be anything but the best person you can be to whomever it is you end up with next. I don't know if you're there. Maybe you don't even know if you're there.
There's only one way to find out, though.
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